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Search Results 0 to 29 of about 30 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Oct 29, 2012 10:30am PDT
will give to a charity of his choice-- inner city children in chicago, american cancer society, aids research, anything he wants-- a check, immediately, for five million dollars. one caveat: the records must be given by october 31st at 5:00 in the afternoon. >> stephen: that's right. he has to have it by 5:00 on halloween. [ laughter ] because that night he's renting out his enormous orange head as a jack-o-lantern. [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] folks, with donald trump, it's not about him. it's about helping. >> frankly, it's a check that i very much want to write. mr. president, not only will i be happy, and by the way totally satisfied, but the american people will be happy and you know what? those charities will be very happy. >> stephen: nation, i am so moved by this generous offer that i have an offer of my own. right over here. mr. trump, i will write you a check for one million dollars from colbert super pac-- you know i've got it-- to the charity of your choice. anything: save the children, feed the children, put the children on child apprentice, whatever. one millio
Comedy Central
Oct 1, 2012 10:30am PDT
dervish." (applause) we must fortify the city walls! we must call out the pikemen! prepare for the siege! ready the venetian fleet! (laughter) >> steven, we have reached your defenses! >> mustafa! you ottoman dog! >> yes, it is i, mustafa, grand viz year of the turkic hoard. welcome to obama's ottoman america! you'll be forced to play the ood eat carob and learn algebra. >> you monsters! >> now, steven, might i interest you in some turkish delight? (laughter) >> stephen: no! no! no thank you. >> oh, it's a tender candy scented with rose water. >> stephen: rose water? oh, that does sound delightful! i shall try one! oh! (laughter) oh, it is scrumptious. >> ha ha ha! now you're mine! come join my harem. >> stephen: no, no! you've got to fight ottoman delicacy with an anti-ottoman delicacy. a croissant. yes, the croissant, created in 1683 to celebrate the victory over the ottomans at the battle of vienna. its crescent shape marks the moon upon your plant. >> no, not the light and flaky pastry of my people's darkest hour! >> stephen: b gone, turk! >> no! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh-
Comedy Central
Oct 1, 2012 11:30pm PDT
, they're in new york city. they want to see the sights. and in new york that can only mean the harlem costco. (laughter) where the iranian delegation has been spotted stocking up on wholesale shampoos. nation, they are seeking to split the atom and now they can prevent split ends. how could obama let this happen! the iranians were at costco because tough economic sanctions have made it difficult for them to get hold of foreign goods or imported products. which explains why their leader has to wear members only jackets from 1982. (laughter) so folks, folks, at costco we have given them unfettered access to america's family pack technology. we'll never cripple their regime with economic isolation now that they have their own 200 count boxes of economy sized advil and bulk bins of nutter butter and great shrink wrap rafts of shrimp cup o noodles. you madmen, they will be able to hide their nuclear facilities inside their giant discarded barrels of kirkland coleslaw. (laughter) oh! oh, don't worry!, don't worry, you say, they don't have enriched uranium yet. well, you know what else costc
Comedy Central
Oct 2, 2012 11:30pm PDT
. we will abandon the cities and seek refuge in cliff side caves speaking only in hushed tones about the time man stole fire from the sky. money for our currency should be blood sacrifice offered to our new rulers, a race of superintergent feral cats. (laughter) oh, show us your mercy, whiskered ones. (laughter) or-- or romney could get a two-point bump. either way it's news. (laughter) right now, folks, the obama people where are december it fromly trying to lower expectations. it's sad, just listen to obscene your advisor and anthropomorphized vanishing sound david plouffe. (laughter) jim? >> we've accepted that governor romney will have a good night. he's prepared more than any candidate in himselfry and shown himself to be a good debater through the years. we're sure he'll put on quite a show wednesday. >> yes, if there's one word america associates with mitt romney it's "show." (laughter) meanwhile, the romney people aren't playing these silly games. they're just being honest when they hail the president as a uniquely gifted speaker who is widely regarded as one of the most tale
Comedy Central
Oct 9, 2012 11:30pm PDT
" rover has found a small shiny object on mars. it's either the top of a giant metal city buried beneath the sand or a screw. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody, thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) thank you so much, please, nation -- (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much, please, ladies and gentlemen, you're too kind to me. nation, it has been 16 months since mitt romney declared his candidacy-- a month since he accepted the nomination and five days since he started running for president. (laughter) folks, he is surging! new polls have him tied with or leading the president and the "new york times" 538 blog now gives him a 28.6% chance of winning! he is on a rocket ride to plausible! (laughter) and, of course, in the face of this surge, obama has become desperate. yesterday at a california fund fund-raiser he warned the audience what it's gonna take to win saying "we're only go
Comedy Central
Oct 16, 2012 11:30pm PDT
in and doing those city service jobs. you shostled a driveway that was complaining it shows we don't need big government we need one very committed mayor. how is newark? >> doing extraordinarily well. we're in the biggest economic development period since the 1950's. companies are coming in from pana sonic moving the headquarters. 1,000 employees, to the global headquarters to manechevitz. >> stephen: you have the worst wine on planet earth coming -- mazel. >> can i get it to you wholesale if you would like. >> stephen: thank you very much. what do you think happened at the first debate for your friend barack obama? were you tempted to go in there and fire him and carry him out of there. his campaign was burning down last week. i think that we in in this sliermt of american idol we get focused on form and not as much on the substance. i think the president was right on substance. >> stephen: and that what leadership is about? there's a reason the king wears a crown and not a dust rag. he has to have the right idea but also has to look the part. >> before there was a tv some of the greatest pr
Comedy Central
Oct 17, 2012 11:30pm PDT
night at hofstra, a heated showdown. >> fighting, fieps city and fierce. >> led to head in a fierce fight. >> the debate turned into a fight on long island, i loved it. >> i loved it too, you crave the blood sports just look at them debate the president's commitment to oil exploration on federal lands. >> how much did you cut drilling on federal lands? >> i had a question and the question was how much did you cut them by? how much did you cut them by? >> ow! >> i cannot believe candy crowley let obama wield the fan bladed lurpa but i have to say she looked great with the new hair extensions. now, they talked about a lot of things but everybody knew that mitt had one ace in the hole, libya gate. >> romney and his running mate have been hammering the president over this coverup for weeks. americans are asking, what did the president know? when did the president know it? which one is libya? and last night, last night, mitt had obama in his sights. >> it was a terrorist attack. and it took a long time for that to be told to the american people, whether that was some misleading or
Search Results 0 to 29 of about 30 (some duplicates have been removed)